Age Verification Center

🚨 MANDATORY VERIFICATION 🚨

As required by the UK Online Safety Act 2023, all users must undergo rigorous age verification.

Current Verification Methods Include:

  • Birth certificate notarized by three witnesses
  • DNA analysis confirming genetic age markers
  • Astrological birth chart verification
  • Carbon dating of childhood photographs
  • Statement from your first-grade teacher
  • Blood type compatibility with age requirements
  • Mathematical proof of your favorite prime number

* All verification methods are randomly assigned for maximum security

Processing Times

  • 📄 Standard: 6-8 weeks
  • 🚀 Express: 4-6 weeks (£50 extra)
  • ⚡ Premium: 2-4 weeks (£200 extra)
  • 👑 Royal: 1 week (£1000 + blood sample)

Documentation Required

  • 🆔 Photo ID (3 forms minimum)
  • 📜 Birth certificate (original + 5 copies)
  • 🩸 Blood sample (type verification)
  • 📝 Character references (from clergy)
  • 🏠 Proof of address (last 47 years)