Age Verification Center
🚨 MANDATORY VERIFICATION 🚨
As required by the UK Online Safety Act 2023, all users must undergo rigorous age verification.
Current Verification Methods Include:
- Birth certificate notarized by three witnesses
- DNA analysis confirming genetic age markers
- Astrological birth chart verification
- Carbon dating of childhood photographs
- Statement from your first-grade teacher
- Blood type compatibility with age requirements
- Mathematical proof of your favorite prime number
* All verification methods are randomly assigned for maximum security
🤝 Meet Our Age Verification Specialist: Jeff
All age verification will be performed by our trusted mate Jeff, who promises to keep your data very safe, not to leak it to anyone and certainly not blackmail you for looking at prawns online.
Why Jeff?
- He was our cheapest option (works for prawns)
- Has a really trustworthy face (according to his mum)
- Once correctly guessed someone's age at a carnival
- Owns a calculator (advanced mathematics certified)
- Promised he definitely won't sell your data to his brother Dave
- Has never been to prison (this week)
Jeff's Credentials
- 🎓 PhD in Age Guessing (Online University)
- 🏆 2019 "Most Trustworthy Jeff" Award
- 📜 Certified in Advanced Winking
- 🔒 GDPR Compliant* (*terms apply)
- ⭐ 4.5/5 stars on TrustPilot**
- **Reviews written by Jeff
"I solemnly swear I will only use your personal information for legitimate age verification purposes, and definitely not to create targeted ads for adult prawn content or start a side business selling user data on the dark web. I've never even heard of the dark web 😉" - Jeff (probably)
Processing Times
- 📄 Standard: 6-8 weeks
- 🚀 Express: 4-6 weeks (£50 extra)
- ⚡ Premium: 2-4 weeks (£200 extra)
- 👑 Royal: 1 week (£1000 + blood sample)
Documentation Required
- 🆔 Photo ID (3 forms minimum)
- 📜 Birth certificate (original + 5 copies)
- 🩸 Blood sample (type verification)
- 📝 Character references (from clergy)
- 🏠 Proof of address (last 47 years)